Not much to say on the subject really....
A couple of years ago back in Ireland I got the opportunity to audition for a production of West Side Story to be performed at the Gaiety Theatre, Dublin. Having been part of the show a couple of times before (playing the lead, I might add!), I was quietly confident my singin and acting would get me the gig. Little did I know that everyone had to be put through a dance audition before reading or singing....NOT GOOD!
First of all, I think I was almost the only person not in a tank top and jazz shoes, which I took as a sign that this wasn't your average 'step together, step together' audition....
We started off with some quick moves which I was nailing and I started thinking " Jeez, this dancing stuff isn't that bad!" INCORRECT!
All of a sudden, I'm hearing terms like 'Jeté', 'Double spin', 'Double KNEE spin', and a bloody 'JAZZ SPLITS'!!!! Personally speaking, if it's not the full splits, I'm just not bothered!
The way the audition was laid out, there were a few lines of about 8 or so and every once in a while, the front line would move to the back and every other line would move forward....I made a conscious decision to stay in line 3 for the duration, so that I'd have a few people to watch but not too many would be behind me! Apparently, so did the rest of the room! Eventually, we had 3 guys in the front row and about 60 of us pushed up against the back wall trying to hide as best we could....But things were about to put paid to that idea...!
Suddenly, the choreographer, who was wrecked himself from the amount of bloody gymnastics we were having to do, tells us to all sit down and that he'd be calling us up in FOURS to do "The Whole Routine"; once with him and then with him watching! Nightmare!
If there were, for arguments sake, 80 guys in the room, I can safely say that I would just DIE of shame if I had to dance next to about 70 of them. Seriously, some of these guys were the greatest dancers I've ever seen, some of them were pretty good, some of them were fine, and some were just crap...But all of THOSE guys were way better than me! I could only pray I was placed in a group with some other "I'm not a dancer, I'm an actor " guys! Luck, it would seem, favours the cowardly in the world of dance!
I was in the second group next to a couple of guys I knew, who were no dancers either. *Thank God*
The first take, I'm not ashamed to say, I nailed it!!! (As someone who can't see myself dance, as far as I know, it was perfect and just what they are looking for!) I did decide to leave out the knee spins, the double spins, and of course the 'cheating' jazz split finale but that's just because I thought the routine looked better my way!
The second take, we were now being officially auditioned........Panic. Stations.
Did you ever see that episode of Friends when Joey was asked to choreograph the dance audition and he had to show them how to do the routine properly? I always wondered what was going through his head just before he started to dance! NOW I KNOW!
I'm hearing the music building up to the dance break and all I can think is "Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, Oh no.".
Then I hear the CD...badada 'COOL', badada 'GO', badada 'CRAZY'. 'COOL GO CRAZY....GO'.
Time stands still for a moment................
I see myself as a child, dreaming of being an inventor.
I see myself in school, desperately trying to get my first kiss.
I see myself in college. Not much happened around that period.
I see myself working in the Golden Pages, hating every day.
I see myself auditioning right there for West Side Story.
I see myself as an old man, crying and muttering something about jazz splits.
Choreographer: "5,6,7,8"
.
..
...
....
..... eep!
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
..... jesus!
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
..... yikes!
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
..... ow!
....
...
..
.
..
...
....
..... jazz split finale and....
....
...
..
.
Roughly 30 seconds later, I no longer have any shame, pride, hamstrings, kneecaps, confidence, breath, chance at a part, friends, and of course I am eying up the exit sign like a man possessed. I'm just waiting for people to start laughing...
In fairness to the guys, every time a group finished, they would all clap although I'm convinced that anyone with any love for dance would have been ashamed to clap for some of us. It must be a bitter moment for them to see us sully their art! Ah well, to hell with them!
Then, the moment of truth...
Choreographer: "That's all I need to see. If you hear from us, that's good news. If you don't hear from us, that's bad news."
Black and white! This fella knew how to get to the point! This may be a bold assumption on my part but I'm going to say I will fall into the latter category!
As they say, "Fame costs, and right here is where you start paying!"
P.S. For the record, and to make things even funnier, I actually GOT a part in the show and ended up having to dance from start to finish. Life, it would seem, is not without it's sense of irony!
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Chain Mails
Ugh, Chain mails. Don't get me started. Okay, I've started...
Now, I am willing to admit under duress that I can be something of a messer at times, and I do enjoy the odd humerous email as much as the next guy but today's rant is going to get me really angry - the kind of angry a Hamster feels when some uninformed idiot calls him a Guinea Pig!
You see the thing that really 'melts my display-only candle' about the whole genre of the chain mail is this...They are sneaky blighters about telling you it's a chain!
Normally, what happens is you get this hilarious mail about the differences between men and women; you have a laugh reading about how 'she likes to talk after sex' and 'he likes to fart on her face' etc, etc...You get to the end and say to yourself,
"Goodness gracious me, I'm so glad I read that. That was brilliant, while at the same time fitting to today's modern culture and also sensitive to our diverse ways of life!"
BUT...........
....Then you see written just below the last line something that resembles the following:
"If you don't send this email to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, you will never be able to ingest the much needed vitimin C which will have a detrimental effect on your immune system, among other things. However, if you do manage to send it to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, all your split ends will miraculously heal themselves and you will be bombarded with engagement rings from all people; men, women, donkeys, etc. I had a friend who sent me this email. He had TERRIBLE split ends and is really ugly and foul smelling. Now, he's got a beautiful head of hair and although he's still ugly, he's happily married to two women, a man, eight goats, six Fiat Punto's and a phillipino camel! THIS REALLY DOES WORK!!!!"
It's around this time, that I start to throw my monitor, keyboard, mouse, dog and anything else I can lay my hands on out the nearest bloody window! You see, I think I speak for the entire population of sane people (which, judging by the amount of chains about, is getting smaller by the day!) when I say NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT CHAIN LETTERS!...But, I've been wrong before!
Of course, some chain mails are completely blasé about it. Some actually start by saying things like:
"DO NOT DELETE THIS!"
"THE LOVE CHAIN"
"THIS REALLY WORKS"
"I'M NOW A MILLIONAIRE"
"I AM THE LOVE FAIRY"
I mean seriously, what normal, God-fearing person opens and then reads a mail they get with the subject "I AM THE LOVE FAIRY", and yet when it arrives in my inbox, it has already been forwarded by at least 2,000 people (normally ugly, lonely losers!).
All this is quite annoying, but the one that takes the proverbial biscuit and drops proverbial crumbs in the proverbial bed of my sanity is when they say that "MICROSOFT ARE GOING TO DONATE A PENNY TO POOR LITTLE JOEY, WHO HAS A SEPTIC HEAD AND IS GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN A SHUTTLE ORBITTING SATURN'S FIFTH MOON BECAUSE HE GOT HIT BY A NUCLEAR WASTE TRUCK WHILE HELPING A DEAF OLD LADY CROSS THE ROAD"
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND BELIEVES THIS TRIPE?????????
I can honestly say that if someone found a cure for Aids, Cancer and Athlete's Foot in one formula, emailed it to me so I could be the person that the world heralded as it's saviour, and wrote "if you do not send this to 10 people in the next fifteen minutes, you will have a migraine and dodgy balance for eight years" I would:
1) Immediately delete said email.
2) Destroy my PC.
3) Destroy his/her PC.
4) Kill him/her.
5) Kill myself.
6) Haunt every plonker who starts a chain mail from then on!
Now, before you read this and decide "Oooh, I'll really cheese Niall off and send him a load of chain mails!", don't bother! If they're sent on purpose (and I'll know if they are!) it doesn't annoy me, so ha!
If I could ask any prospective chainmailers out there to do me a favour though. Next time, instead of wasting time writing or forwarding a chail mail, just go into the kitchen and drink some bleach!
I thank you! Rant over.
Now, I am willing to admit under duress that I can be something of a messer at times, and I do enjoy the odd humerous email as much as the next guy but today's rant is going to get me really angry - the kind of angry a Hamster feels when some uninformed idiot calls him a Guinea Pig!
You see the thing that really 'melts my display-only candle' about the whole genre of the chain mail is this...They are sneaky blighters about telling you it's a chain!
Normally, what happens is you get this hilarious mail about the differences between men and women; you have a laugh reading about how 'she likes to talk after sex' and 'he likes to fart on her face' etc, etc...You get to the end and say to yourself,
"Goodness gracious me, I'm so glad I read that. That was brilliant, while at the same time fitting to today's modern culture and also sensitive to our diverse ways of life!"
BUT...........
....Then you see written just below the last line something that resembles the following:
"If you don't send this email to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, you will never be able to ingest the much needed vitimin C which will have a detrimental effect on your immune system, among other things. However, if you do manage to send it to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, all your split ends will miraculously heal themselves and you will be bombarded with engagement rings from all people; men, women, donkeys, etc. I had a friend who sent me this email. He had TERRIBLE split ends and is really ugly and foul smelling. Now, he's got a beautiful head of hair and although he's still ugly, he's happily married to two women, a man, eight goats, six Fiat Punto's and a phillipino camel! THIS REALLY DOES WORK!!!!"
It's around this time, that I start to throw my monitor, keyboard, mouse, dog and anything else I can lay my hands on out the nearest bloody window! You see, I think I speak for the entire population of sane people (which, judging by the amount of chains about, is getting smaller by the day!) when I say NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT CHAIN LETTERS!...But, I've been wrong before!
Of course, some chain mails are completely blasé about it. Some actually start by saying things like:
"DO NOT DELETE THIS!"
"THE LOVE CHAIN"
"THIS REALLY WORKS"
"I'M NOW A MILLIONAIRE"
"I AM THE LOVE FAIRY"
I mean seriously, what normal, God-fearing person opens and then reads a mail they get with the subject "I AM THE LOVE FAIRY", and yet when it arrives in my inbox, it has already been forwarded by at least 2,000 people (normally ugly, lonely losers!).
All this is quite annoying, but the one that takes the proverbial biscuit and drops proverbial crumbs in the proverbial bed of my sanity is when they say that "MICROSOFT ARE GOING TO DONATE A PENNY TO POOR LITTLE JOEY, WHO HAS A SEPTIC HEAD AND IS GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN A SHUTTLE ORBITTING SATURN'S FIFTH MOON BECAUSE HE GOT HIT BY A NUCLEAR WASTE TRUCK WHILE HELPING A DEAF OLD LADY CROSS THE ROAD"
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND BELIEVES THIS TRIPE?????????
I can honestly say that if someone found a cure for Aids, Cancer and Athlete's Foot in one formula, emailed it to me so I could be the person that the world heralded as it's saviour, and wrote "if you do not send this to 10 people in the next fifteen minutes, you will have a migraine and dodgy balance for eight years" I would:
1) Immediately delete said email.
2) Destroy my PC.
3) Destroy his/her PC.
4) Kill him/her.
5) Kill myself.
6) Haunt every plonker who starts a chain mail from then on!
Now, before you read this and decide "Oooh, I'll really cheese Niall off and send him a load of chain mails!", don't bother! If they're sent on purpose (and I'll know if they are!) it doesn't annoy me, so ha!
If I could ask any prospective chainmailers out there to do me a favour though. Next time, instead of wasting time writing or forwarding a chail mail, just go into the kitchen and drink some bleach!
I thank you! Rant over.
Oh. Hello there!
Well now, is this not a turn up for the books? Me, the boy they said would be a criminal by the age of seventeen is writing a blog! What will he write about? What will inspire his creative flow? Will he mention anything about me? Does he know where my car keys are?
All of these questions (Dad, your car keys are where you left them!) and more will be answered in time. For this, like so many great events before it, is the beginnings of something magical. The Private Wisdom Of A Public Fool will forever be the resting place for the nonsensical wonderments within my thicker than average skull! If you can sift through the nonsense, I like to think there is quite a lot of wisdom to be found!
So, sit back, enjoy, and by all means attempt to read whatever I find time to write about...Who knows, you might even like it!!!
Nialler.
P.S. No one ever said that I would be a criminal by the age of seventeen, I lied, sorry. I guess I just wanted to start this blog with a shocking statement. If I'm honest, I regret the whole criminal remark - both because I don't want to base my life upon a sea of deceit, but also because many people HAVE ended up criminals by the age of seventeen and my heart breaks for what must have been a tough upbringing. Stay strong, my nameless compatriots; you can still carve out a place for yourselves in this world!
All of these questions (Dad, your car keys are where you left them!) and more will be answered in time. For this, like so many great events before it, is the beginnings of something magical. The Private Wisdom Of A Public Fool will forever be the resting place for the nonsensical wonderments within my thicker than average skull! If you can sift through the nonsense, I like to think there is quite a lot of wisdom to be found!
So, sit back, enjoy, and by all means attempt to read whatever I find time to write about...Who knows, you might even like it!!!
Nialler.
P.S. No one ever said that I would be a criminal by the age of seventeen, I lied, sorry. I guess I just wanted to start this blog with a shocking statement. If I'm honest, I regret the whole criminal remark - both because I don't want to base my life upon a sea of deceit, but also because many people HAVE ended up criminals by the age of seventeen and my heart breaks for what must have been a tough upbringing. Stay strong, my nameless compatriots; you can still carve out a place for yourselves in this world!
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