I'm writing this blog from the comfort of my bed.....Wait....No....I need to start again.
I'm writing this blog from my bed. I would say "from the comfort of" if it wasn't for the fact that everything about me feels grotty. I had a shower last night, but I woke up this morning feeling like a hobo's shoe. Add to that the fact that the bed sheets are all clammy and uncomfortable, and that I have no clean undies or socks, and I'm left with a burning question at the forefront of my mind.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD NEED CONSTANT CLEANING???
My bedside table has a centimetre of dust on it. The carpet is covered in tiny pieces of itself, which is ridiculous in it's own right - why is my carpet ripping itself apart?? The washing basket is full, and I only put a wash on three days ago. I stink, but went to bed clean. What the hell is this all about?
Don't misunderstand me, I appreciate the need for cleanliness, as it is next to Godliness, blah blah blah, but it's just the annoyance of constantly having something to clean. Even on the days where I say "Right, let's sort this place out!", I'm left with waxy ears, or full bins, or streaky windows, or toothpaste-covered sinks, or long grass in the garden, or junk mail in the hall, or crumbs around the toaster, or a massive ironing pile......but what really annoys me is that by the time I finish all of this repetitive crap, I NEED ANOTHER BLOODY SHOWER!!
So....what I would like to propose to all of you entrepreneurs who are about to apply to The Dragon's Den to look for £200,000 in exchange for 20% of your tinned fruit company is simply this: Please spend your time creating a way of keeping all the little things in life clean. I mean, in every futuristic movie I watch they have flying cars, food in pill form and tight-fitting clothes. The only thing they don't have is natural cleanliness. Why not? Can it really be that difficult? Surely it could be done by re-creating the workings of a black hole or something, although that tends to result in rising deathtolls, if my sci-fi knowledge is correct. I would imagine it has something to do with negative particles or de-magnetised atmospheric conditions. I mean, I'm practically doing the work for you...just finish it off! GET ON IT, YOU BOFFINS!!
Y'know, I could sit here all day ranting about this stuff, but my feet are all sweaty now and have somehow managed to wrap themselves up in my duvet cover, so I'm going to have to go and rip myself free, tear the sheets off the bed, put on a light wash, find some clean sheets in the ironing pile, put those sheets on the bed, and after that, if there's time of course, HAVE A SHOWER!!!!
My day off is planned out for me. Is yours??
(Hmmm, in reading that back I find myself wondering if saying I feel like "a hobo's shoe" is a suitable analogy. I mean, not all hobos have shoes and I definitely don't feel as dirty as a hobo, himself. Perhaps I should say I feel like a hobo's coat, but there again lies the trouble, as not all hobos have coats. Right, let me think, how about.....saying I feel like a hobo's armpit?!! Yeah, because even if some smartarse points out that some hobos don't have arms, the nub where their arm should be would still form an armpit AAAND I imagine said armpit would be quite smelly and dirty! Perfect....The only problem now is that I can't really be arsed to go back and change the bloody original sentence! Ah well, you get the point.)
Wednesday 5 August 2009
Monday 9 February 2009
Can someone please explain.....
Unless I am very much mistaken, I am technically an actor. Yes, I am aware that I am currently an out-of-work actor, but that does not change the fact that I am an actor nonetheless, so zip it!
Can someone, therefore, explain to me why I seem incapable of learning lines for an audition? I mean, it's kind of in the job description that we be able to learn lines, as most stories tend to have scripts (although not these days - damn Big Brother influence...I hate reality TV! But we'll save that for another time...) and learning said script is part and parcel of what actors do.
HOWEVER.
I have been trying to learn 6 paragraphs for the past two weeks and so far, I have learned one of them. The audition is in two days and I am starting to lose the plot! I wouldn't mind but to make matters worse, I seem to be learning the lyrics of every song I hear on the radio instantly, whether I want to or not. They just sink straight in!! How in the hell can I remember Lady Gaga, but not a monologue I am reading at every waking moment....??
Okay, not EVERY waking moment, seeing as I'm typing this when I could be learning, but d'ya know something? I've been working pretty hard on it so give me a break for ten minutes, will you? God! You don't hear me giving you grief for wasting YOUR day reading stupid blogs, do ya? No! Because I respect the fact that you might like a break from whatever it is you're doing.....so you're welcome for my respectful allowances!
Right, that's enough ranting. Back to work. Wish me luck!
Can someone, therefore, explain to me why I seem incapable of learning lines for an audition? I mean, it's kind of in the job description that we be able to learn lines, as most stories tend to have scripts (although not these days - damn Big Brother influence...I hate reality TV! But we'll save that for another time...) and learning said script is part and parcel of what actors do.
HOWEVER.
I have been trying to learn 6 paragraphs for the past two weeks and so far, I have learned one of them. The audition is in two days and I am starting to lose the plot! I wouldn't mind but to make matters worse, I seem to be learning the lyrics of every song I hear on the radio instantly, whether I want to or not. They just sink straight in!! How in the hell can I remember Lady Gaga, but not a monologue I am reading at every waking moment....??
Okay, not EVERY waking moment, seeing as I'm typing this when I could be learning, but d'ya know something? I've been working pretty hard on it so give me a break for ten minutes, will you? God! You don't hear me giving you grief for wasting YOUR day reading stupid blogs, do ya? No! Because I respect the fact that you might like a break from whatever it is you're doing.....so you're welcome for my respectful allowances!
Right, that's enough ranting. Back to work. Wish me luck!
Monday 5 January 2009
A New Year Dawns...
Two thousand and nine.
Once, simply a random number, now these four digits represent the current year. Where have the years gone? This, I do not know. What I do know, is that I grow older with each passing day, and I do not like this!
2009 will bring with it my 28th birthday. Most people say to me "You're going to be 28? Wow, you don't look it!" Listen, I might not look it (thanks for the compliment, by the way), but I am bloody well starting to feel it!
I was once able to eat and drink what I want, and my rigorous sporting hobbies would burn off the excess weight. Now, the bones are becoming more brittle, the hobbies are becoming fewer, and the belt notches are expanding! Something's gotta give, as they say.
I have never been one for making plans, and sticking to plans is something I am still learning how to do, but I decided to write a list of things to do before I turn 30. This gives me just over 2 years to feel I have impressed myself through hard work and determination. My list is not complete, and I no doubt will add and subtract from it as time goes on, but here is what I have so far:
(In no particular order...)
~ See the Northern Lights in person.
~ Finish my script I keep trying to write. (Seriously, it's going to be brilliant!)
~ Share a meaningful kiss with someone special on the stroke of the New Years' midnight. (I only have two more chances at that one!)
~ Be cast in a West End musical. (Wishful thinking)
~ Leave Europe for the first time.
~ Learn to play a musical instrument.
~ Discover a magical power or ability I posess, such as laser vision or telekenesis, that had been lying dormant within my DNA.
I would love to accomplish any of these things (especially the last one - I could call myself Telekenetic Laser-Vision Boy or something!), so I am determined to use 2009 as a springboard
onto bigger and better things.
Bring it on, Life! For once, I feel ready for you!
Once, simply a random number, now these four digits represent the current year. Where have the years gone? This, I do not know. What I do know, is that I grow older with each passing day, and I do not like this!
2009 will bring with it my 28th birthday. Most people say to me "You're going to be 28? Wow, you don't look it!" Listen, I might not look it (thanks for the compliment, by the way), but I am bloody well starting to feel it!
I was once able to eat and drink what I want, and my rigorous sporting hobbies would burn off the excess weight. Now, the bones are becoming more brittle, the hobbies are becoming fewer, and the belt notches are expanding! Something's gotta give, as they say.
I have never been one for making plans, and sticking to plans is something I am still learning how to do, but I decided to write a list of things to do before I turn 30. This gives me just over 2 years to feel I have impressed myself through hard work and determination. My list is not complete, and I no doubt will add and subtract from it as time goes on, but here is what I have so far:
(In no particular order...)
~ See the Northern Lights in person.
~ Finish my script I keep trying to write. (Seriously, it's going to be brilliant!)
~ Share a meaningful kiss with someone special on the stroke of the New Years' midnight. (I only have two more chances at that one!)
~ Be cast in a West End musical. (Wishful thinking)
~ Leave Europe for the first time.
~ Learn to play a musical instrument.
~ Discover a magical power or ability I posess, such as laser vision or telekenesis, that had been lying dormant within my DNA.
I would love to accomplish any of these things (especially the last one - I could call myself Telekenetic Laser-Vision Boy or something!), so I am determined to use 2009 as a springboard
onto bigger and better things.
Bring it on, Life! For once, I feel ready for you!
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