Cleanliness? Whatever!!

I'm writing this blog from the comfort of my bed.....Wait....No....I need to start again.


I'm writing this blog from my bed. I would say "from the comfort of" if it wasn't for the fact that everything about me feels grotty. I had a shower last night, but I woke up this morning feeling like a hobo's shoe. Add to that the fact that the bed sheets are all clammy and uncomfortable, and that I have no clean undies or socks, and I'm left with a burning question at the forefront of my mind.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD NEED CONSTANT CLEANING???

My bedside table has a centimetre of dust on it. The carpet is covered in tiny pieces of itself, which is ridiculous in it's own right - why is my carpet ripping itself apart?? The washing basket is full, and I only put a wash on three days ago. I stink, but went to bed clean. What the hell is this all about?

Don't misunderstand me, I appreciate the need for cleanliness, as it is next to Godliness, blah blah blah, but it's just the annoyance of constantly having something to clean. Even on the days where I say "Right, let's sort this place out!", I'm left with waxy ears, or full bins, or streaky windows, or toothpaste-covered sinks, or long grass in the garden, or junk mail in the hall, or crumbs around the toaster, or a massive ironing pile......but what really annoys me is that by the time I finish all of this repetitive crap, I NEED ANOTHER BLOODY SHOWER!!

So....what I would like to propose to all of you entrepreneurs who are about to apply to The Dragon's Den to look for £200,000 in exchange for 20% of your tinned fruit company is simply this: Please spend your time creating a way of keeping all the little things in life clean. I mean, in every futuristic movie I watch they have flying cars, food in pill form and tight-fitting clothes. The only thing they don't have is natural cleanliness. Why not? Can it really be that difficult? Surely it could be done by re-creating the workings of a black hole or something, although that tends to result in rising deathtolls, if my sci-fi knowledge is correct. I would imagine it has something to do with negative particles or de-magnetised atmospheric conditions. I mean, I'm practically doing the work for you...just finish it off! GET ON IT, YOU BOFFINS!!

Y'know, I could sit here all day ranting about this stuff, but my feet are all sweaty now and have somehow managed to wrap themselves up in my duvet cover, so I'm going to have to go and rip myself free, tear the sheets off the bed, put on a light wash, find some clean sheets in the ironing pile, put those sheets on the bed, and after that, if there's time of course, HAVE A SHOWER!!!!

My day off is planned out for me. Is yours??


(Hmmm, in reading that back I find myself wondering if saying I feel like "a hobo's shoe" is a suitable analogy. I mean, not all hobos have shoes and I definitely don't feel as dirty as a hobo, himself. Perhaps I should say I feel like a hobo's coat, but there again lies the trouble, as not all hobos have coats. Right, let me think, how about.....saying I feel like a hobo's armpit?!! Yeah, because even if some smartarse points out that some hobos don't have arms, the nub where their arm should be would still form an armpit AAAND I imagine said armpit would be quite smelly and dirty! Perfect....The only problem now is that I can't really be arsed to go back and change the bloody original sentence! Ah well, you get the point.)