Chain Mails

Ugh, Chain mails. Don't get me started. Okay, I've started...

Now, I am willing to admit under duress that I can be something of a messer at times, and I do enjoy the odd humerous email as much as the next guy but today's rant is going to get me really angry - the kind of angry a Hamster feels when some uninformed idiot calls him a Guinea Pig!

You see the thing that really 'melts my display-only candle' about the whole genre of the chain mail is this...They are sneaky blighters about telling you it's a chain!

Normally, what happens is you get this hilarious mail about the differences between men and women; you have a laugh reading about how 'she likes to talk after sex' and 'he likes to fart on her face' etc, etc...You get to the end and say to yourself,

"Goodness gracious me, I'm so glad I read that. That was brilliant, while at the same time fitting to today's modern culture and also sensitive to our diverse ways of life!"

BUT...........

....Then you see written just below the last line something that resembles the following:

"If you don't send this email to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, you will never be able to ingest the much needed vitimin C which will have a detrimental effect on your immune system, among other things. However, if you do manage to send it to 2,745,656 people in the next six tenths of a second, all your split ends will miraculously heal themselves and you will be bombarded with engagement rings from all people; men, women, donkeys, etc. I had a friend who sent me this email. He had TERRIBLE split ends and is really ugly and foul smelling. Now, he's got a beautiful head of hair and although he's still ugly, he's happily married to two women, a man, eight goats, six Fiat Punto's and a phillipino camel! THIS REALLY DOES WORK!!!!"

It's around this time, that I start to throw my monitor, keyboard, mouse, dog and anything else I can lay my hands on out the nearest bloody window! You see, I think I speak for the entire population of sane people (which, judging by the amount of chains about, is getting smaller by the day!) when I say NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT CHAIN LETTERS!...But, I've been wrong before!


Of course, some chain mails are completely blasé about it. Some actually start by saying things like:

"DO NOT DELETE THIS!"
"THE LOVE CHAIN"
"THIS REALLY WORKS"
"I'M NOW A MILLIONAIRE"
"I AM THE LOVE FAIRY"

I mean seriously, what normal, God-fearing person opens and then reads a mail they get with the subject "I AM THE LOVE FAIRY", and yet when it arrives in my inbox, it has already been forwarded by at least 2,000 people (normally ugly, lonely losers!).

All this is quite annoying, but the one that takes the proverbial biscuit and drops proverbial crumbs in the proverbial bed of my sanity is when they say that "MICROSOFT ARE GOING TO DONATE A PENNY TO POOR LITTLE JOEY, WHO HAS A SEPTIC HEAD AND IS GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN A SHUTTLE ORBITTING SATURN'S FIFTH MOON BECAUSE HE GOT HIT BY A NUCLEAR WASTE TRUCK WHILE HELPING A DEAF OLD LADY CROSS THE ROAD"


WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND BELIEVES THIS TRIPE?????????



I can honestly say that if someone found a cure for Aids, Cancer and Athlete's Foot in one formula, emailed it to me so I could be the person that the world heralded as it's saviour, and wrote "if you do not send this to 10 people in the next fifteen minutes, you will have a migraine and dodgy balance for eight years" I would:

1) Immediately delete said email.
2) Destroy my PC.
3) Destroy his/her PC.
4) Kill him/her.
5) Kill myself.
6) Haunt every plonker who starts a chain mail from then on!

Now, before you read this and decide "Oooh, I'll really cheese Niall off and send him a load of chain mails!", don't bother! If they're sent on purpose (and I'll know if they are!) it doesn't annoy me, so ha!

If I could ask any prospective chainmailers out there to do me a favour though. Next time, instead of wasting time writing or forwarding a chail mail, just go into the kitchen and drink some bleach!

I thank you! Rant over.